Hello universe, I am here, again. I have had this blog for years, but no one reads it and I am not good at posting on it. This was supposed to be the online diary of my goings-on, hobbies, and just general chit-chat. I used to love to write but I am not good at keeping a journal either, have many started and then nothing. Interestingly enough I have a thing about collecting notebooks, weird huh? I guess there is someone who wants to write trapped inside of me but she doesn't know how or have the gumption to follow through.
The bottom line is I lead a very quiet and boring life, I am not funny, or witty, nor am I the inspirational type. I enjoy collecting quotes and meaningful verses, I have even tried the one little word thing, a few times. I am just not good in follow through although the intent is there. I tried to write about my feelings once and the only person to comment told me I sounded depressed and should see a therapist. . . . .so much for that, I disappeared for long while after that.
Speaking of quotes, I saw a saying the other day that sounded so true to not only me, but I am sure a lot of other people can relate as well.
"my self-esteem has two levels:
I'm a worthless piece of shit who deserves no love
and bow down before me bitches I am your queen"
We do this to ourselves, don't we? The negative talk in our own heads can be so devasting and convincing that we end up believing that we are in fact worthless pieces of shit who deserves nothing good. We (as in I) need to really work on that piece of ourselves. I know that I need to learn to actually feel something as I tend to ignore or try to feel nothing as it feels safe there. If I strip it down it is because I don't feel confident, self-assured, or worthy, however, I hide it very well.
After many different life events, I have become more of a homebody, almost a hermit. COVID lockdowns and cancer didn't help, it actually enabled me to not socialize and keep my small circle even smaller. On the flip side, I have no problem getting on a plane and traveling to another country solo. I guess I feel better around strangers who I will not see again, who will try to get to know me. Again with the lack of confidence. We are going to work on that this year, and we are going to work on a few things.
No new years resolutions for me. I want to set some goals and pick a word that will help me achieve those goals. I have a few words kicking around and a few days to decide which one it will be. I am hoping the word picks me and then I will know for sure what way I want to go. So far I am feeling change, begin, and focus. I started with change but I think 'begin' and 'focus' ring more true for me, with 'focus' leading the group.
Anyway, this is my first and final post of 2022. . .I think, who knows I could feel the desire to post again before the new year. Maybe 'begin' will be my word as I begin to post on my blog again with more consistency. Or I will 'focus' on getting out there, posting and living a bit more of an active life.
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