Dare I Try This Again?

 Hello universe, I am here, again. I have had this blog for years, but no one reads it and I am not good at posting on it. This was supposed to be the online diary of my goings-on, hobbies, and just general chit-chat. I used to love to write but I am not good at keeping a journal either, have many started and then nothing. Interestingly enough I have a thing about collecting notebooks, weird huh? I guess there is someone who wants to write trapped inside of me but she doesn't know how or have the gumption to follow through. 

The bottom line is I lead a very quiet and boring life, I am not funny, or witty, nor am I the inspirational type. I enjoy collecting quotes and meaningful verses, I have even tried the one little word thing, a few times. I am just not good in follow through although the intent is there. I tried to write about my feelings once and the only person to comment told me I sounded depressed and should see a therapist. . . . .so much for that, I disappeared for long while after that. 

Speaking of quotes, I saw a saying the other day that sounded so true to not only me, but I am sure a lot of other people can relate as well.

"my self-esteem has two levels:

I'm a worthless piece of shit who deserves no love

and bow down before me bitches I am your queen"

We do this to ourselves, don't we? The negative talk in our own heads can be so devasting and convincing that we end up believing that we are in fact worthless pieces of shit who deserves nothing good. We (as in I) need to really work on that piece of ourselves. I know that I need to learn to actually feel something as I tend to ignore or try to feel nothing as it feels safe there. If I strip it down it is because I don't feel confident, self-assured, or worthy, however, I hide it very well. 

After many different life events, I have become more of a homebody, almost a hermit. COVID lockdowns and cancer didn't help, it actually enabled me to not socialize and keep my small circle even smaller. On the flip side, I have no problem getting on a plane and traveling to another country solo. I guess I feel better around strangers who I will not see again, who will try to get to know me. Again with the lack of confidence. We are going to work on that this year, and we are going to work on a few things.

No new years resolutions for me. I want to set some goals and pick a word that will help me achieve those goals. I have a few words kicking around and a few days to decide which one it will be. I am hoping the word picks me and then I will know for sure what way I want to go. So far I am feeling change, begin, and focus.  I started with change but I think 'begin' and 'focus' ring more true for me, with 'focus' leading the group.

Anyway, this is my first and final post of 2022. . .I think, who knows I could feel the desire to post again before the new year. Maybe 'begin' will be my word as I begin to post on my blog again with more consistency. Or I will 'focus' on getting out there, posting and living a bit more of an active life.

Feeling Good

Harlow and I are continuing to walk daily, most days twice and I am still averaging 6 km a day. Some days our afternoon walks are 6+ (mornings just over 1 km). I am starting to feel the results in the posterior region of my pants :) they are feeling baggier.  Now if only that would transfer to other areas....

I think I have found decided on a 'style' for my bedroom finally.  It has just been a square room painted light taupe with taupe carpet, pretty boring. I mean not even a picture on the wall! I have decided to try for a 'cottage chic' look. Replaced the little mini blinds with white faux wood ones, have flowy white sheers on the window as well.  An old wood occasional table was brought upstairs and I am using it as a night stand with a vanilla candle, wood saying, picture of Harlow and a pretty wood sign about following your dreams. I bought a wood shelf with metal edging and vintage looking wall hooks. My bed is covered with a white thin quilt, orange cushions (will be adding) and a thin throw quilt in a pale turquoise and moss green. I had a 1/2 gallon mason jar that I put fairy lights in and created a bedside light, at night when lit it kind of reminds of fireflies in a jar.  Went to a local antique place and found another jar (how lucky) the same and put the other string of lights in there.  I am in love with the look! Looking for a white metal or a wrought iron headboard and an old dresser I can paint white next.  Found the perfect headboard on kijiji but someone beat me to it :( I am going back to the antique place tomorrow as they have an occasional table very close to the one I have now and a bunch of old wood ladders--may grab one and see how and where I will use it.

 

          

fireflies in a jar

Next on my list is the spare bedroom/catchall room.  It needs a serious overhaul and purge, it's not used and you can tell.  I would love to just put shelves on the wall and get rid of the bookcase that presently houses the modem, router, odds and ends etc.  Not quite sure how I want to do it though. Definitely need to clean it out first and start from scratch, keep the futon as the mattress is navy blue and I just put different duvet covers on for a different look as walls are painted taupe. Off to Pinterest I go for some ideas. Feeling the need to do some decorating/changes.

Talked to the boy last night and he has told me his move out date is April 29.  Soon he will be home and we will both be readjusting to sharing a space together.....must admit there will be some fireworks over the summer as we are both stubborn, lol.

National Puppy Day was yesterday but I didn't blog so here is a picture of Harlow yesterday to celebrate.  Sorry couldn't do a post without mentioning or showing her off <3

Harlow @ 16 weeks old

Growing

My son is almost finished his first year of college and first year away from home.  We have both adjusted very well, maybe too well for him :). I am so proud of the young man he has become and the experiences that he has had being away from home. Moving from a small town to a city is one thing but to do it at 17 (late in year baby) and three hours away is a big step. He is loving his freedom, school, all the things to do up there, new friends and even got a position as an RA for the second semester. I just signed as guarantor for a room in an apartment for him for second year. He and three buddies are moving into a four bedroom apartment at a new student complex that comes fully furnished and includes utilities.  Even talking about finding a job and not coming home at all for the summer next, just staying in his apartment. *sniff* *sniff* also proud momma moment that he is that independent and has plans for his future.  I hope he continues to follow his dreams. <3

We are now officially on spring break!!  Woohoo!! Jealous of all the people who went away this week but I decided to get Harlow in February and then bought a new TV last week. I hope the weather stays nice here and I can enjoy outside time with Harlow, work on recall and walking on a loose leash.

Feeling back on track as well, at peace and content for the most part.  Have had a few days of feeling stressed and grumpy but got back on track and still trudging forward. Difference is I'm not giving up and also not putting pressure or feeling that I failed if I have a moment.  Life is good!!

Can't go without sharing a picture of my LoLo girl.

looking innocent

vet visit--13 weeks 6 days and 21 lbs

Content, Grateful and Anticipation

I think the three words in my post title sum up how I am feeling and where I'm at. I am truly feeling happy within and want to bask in this feeling. Stepping out and trying new things have me feeling excited and looking ahead. It was hard to take that step, I've wanted to do things but just never hit that 'send button' so to speak. Now I am, I am living for me and oh what a feeling!! Improvements still to be made but I am feeling good about it.

Started a crochet project Monday that will hopefully be a blanket for the B-man. It is a nice grey and done in the new stitch I learned, the bobble stitch. I may have it done by the time he is 28. . .he's 18 now. Is it bad that I already have another project planned?

Exciting news!!  I met my little Harlow, what a doll! She is snuggly and has the sweetest little face, I am completely and utterly smitten. Of the five females she was the most mellow, just kind of hanging back but once I held her she was quite content to curl up on me and sleep. The best news is I am getting her tomorrow! Puppy heaven is commencing in less than 24 hours. How can you not love this face?

I have homework from my camera class, guess who will be featured in most if not all of the shots? <3