Where Have I Been?

 It's been a minute, or two or three. Life happens, things get in the way or you just lose interest. 

July was hard. I lost my aunt to brain cancer. Mom and I were able to visit her for a week. We flew to BC and I was able to get out and explore for a few days but I did spend most of my time at the hospital where my aunt was in hospice. It hurt but also made me happy that my mom was able to see her little sister again. It has been years since they saw each other in person. Life gets in the way, and living across the country makes it harder. We always say we are going to, one day. Thankfully we were able to see her and they reminisced, Mom fussed over her and I know it broke her heart but I also know she was happy to be there, for support and reassurance. Two weeks after we returned home my aunt passed. She had an MAID order in effect and made the decision to exercise it. Her pain was gone, the fear gone. 

I think I stumbled through July, my aunt's passing affecting me in ways I wasn't anticipating. I wasn't close to her, not having seen her in years but just that life is so short. I have made it to the other side with cancer twice, I am one of the lucky ones.....but it makes you think. I had a lot of downtime, all I wanted to do was curl up and read. I didn't get out for walks or pull out my camera. I am not sure what I did other than exist. I wasn't depressed or anything, but I think I just needed to shut down and I did. 

August is almost finished, this month has flown by. I still haven't been out with my camera much or gone to my favourite places. Weather (hot and humid) was the biggest reason, the other is I was content to enjoy being at home, playing with the dog, reading on the deck and just enjoying being home. I came to the conclusion that I was happy, or at least my version of happy. Maybe content and settled are better words. My parents are healthy, my brother and his family are doing well, and my son is absolutely loving his new job which is a career with growth potential. My small world is good.

Back to school is around the corner, with one week left of summer vacation. I will have my 35th first day of school. Wow, where has the time gone?! I am hoping this upcoming year will have fewer obstacles and be more settled. Planning for a good year to come!

A few photos that I took while in BC. The scenery was stunning, so different from the flatness of where I live. 

With that, I will post again at some point. Take care of you, and hold dear those that are important in your life. ♥

Fell off the face of the earth

I didn't really but I noticed I have made a post since mid April, yikes!  Good job I don't get paid for this or I would definitely not be making any money :)

Where am I on my happiness, soul searching journey?  Hmm, it seems I have come to a fork in the road and I am stuck yet desperately looking for a clearing or clear path. I have some things I need to let go of as they are out of my control but I just can't move past it. I am worried about someone whom I love very much and the change I see in them worries me.  It is clouding the clear path that I was on and I can't move the clouds away. Tension and stress has built back up as my schedule has changed, I find myself wanting to escape again.

Hoping to clear the clouds away by learning mindfulness techniques but am finding it hard to pay attention to the lesson. . .don't know why but I find it funny that I can't focus on the lessons. *sigh*

The chocolate wonder aka Harlow is now six months old and 50 lbs of solid puppy. She vibrates when she sees water and is happiest when off leash and running through the water, sand and down the trails of the island. I try to take her 3-4 times a week to just her run and be free. We still walk each morning and I have found that on the odd day where we've missed the morning walk (rain) I don't feel as balanced as when we do.

made it to the end of the island

a relaxing break in the water

The weather is finally warming up and I have baskets and window boxes all done on the deck.  My Clematis has exploded this year, full of big white flowers and bushy. We had to buy a new gazebo as they discontinued the canvas top for my old one.  Decided to buy one a bit smaller and glad I did as now my back door opens completely. The front garden is looking nice with lots of green and some pops of colour with large hanging baskets of white Lobelia and in the garden some bright pink Impatiens among my different variations of Hostas. 

Next up is to repaint the eating area, taking it back to taupe from red and I need to purge the junk room aka the spare bedroom. Maybe purging will help me get back on track. :)

Continuing the journey

“Happiness is your nature. It is not wrong to desire it. What is wrong is seeking it outside when it is inside.”

—Ramana Maharshi (1879-1950)

This quote speaks to me, it is where I am right now. I have chosen to be happy and no longer dwell on the past. It has taken me a long time to get here even though I have made the attempts many times before.  On the plus side is I continued to try, chose not to give up and I believe I am finally there. I've stopped comparing and wishing but looked around me and became content with where I am and grateful for what life has given me.  

We always want more and I am guilty of that same as many others but I think in that wanting more we forget to stop, look and appreciate what we have.  Not just in material goods but the world around us as a whole, our little place in the world. I have started to look at what I have accomplished, not focusing on where I have failed. Not to discount the failures as we learn from those but to stop dwelling on them to the point where you stop doing things because you are scared to fail.  This all makes sense in my head and is actually coming clearer. 

It has taken me a long time to get here but I'm glad I have arrived and plan on continuing the journey to me. I think I was kind of forced into this revelation about myself and the need to find happy. The boy moving away to college left me with just me to care for and I realized I had been neglecting me all this time. When forced to deal with yourself you realize a lot of things and some of it is not pretty.  I will never forget this title of a workbook that I used to use with elementary school students and I think it is a good title for all of us on the journey to self-discovery "The Me I'm Learning To Be"--it fits doesn't it? 

Of course now on to my little bundle of chocolate, Miss Harlow. She continues to be a wonderful, crazy addition to my household. Graduation from her first puppy school course has taken place (even got a certificate), the last of her puppy shots have been given as has her rabies, plus flea and tick control started. Harlow weighed in at 33 lbs on our last visit and the vet referred to her as perfect <3. We continue to walk daily, most of them twice with our afternoon one the longest. She continues to bring so much to my life and I simply adore her.  The breeder has redone their website and Harlow is featured on the front page as well as having her picture posted for the Guardian program, proud puppy mum here :)

As always I must end with posting a few pictures of my little gem.

The Graduate

Just being her

Content, Grateful and Anticipation

I think the three words in my post title sum up how I am feeling and where I'm at. I am truly feeling happy within and want to bask in this feeling. Stepping out and trying new things have me feeling excited and looking ahead. It was hard to take that step, I've wanted to do things but just never hit that 'send button' so to speak. Now I am, I am living for me and oh what a feeling!! Improvements still to be made but I am feeling good about it.

Started a crochet project Monday that will hopefully be a blanket for the B-man. It is a nice grey and done in the new stitch I learned, the bobble stitch. I may have it done by the time he is 28. . .he's 18 now. Is it bad that I already have another project planned?

Exciting news!!  I met my little Harlow, what a doll! She is snuggly and has the sweetest little face, I am completely and utterly smitten. Of the five females she was the most mellow, just kind of hanging back but once I held her she was quite content to curl up on me and sleep. The best news is I am getting her tomorrow! Puppy heaven is commencing in less than 24 hours. How can you not love this face?

I have homework from my camera class, guess who will be featured in most if not all of the shots? <3